Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

“I remember the exact moment when my ethnic identity journey began: it was one day in elementary school when a classmate told me that I wasn’t black because I acted too “white-washed.” The tone in the young girl’s voice told me this definitely wasn’t a good thing, and quite frankly, it made me incredibly confused and a little angry. It felt like a war had been started inside of me, and I was bombarded with the question of what it meant to be black. For the longest time, it seemed like this journey was at a stand still. But, looking back over middle school and high school and even my first year of college, I can see how God was using all of the dissonance, disgust, and questions that arose to continue leading me on this journey of discovering what it means to be me, an “atypical” African-American woman, in His kingdom.

I didn’t feel comfortable around African Americans because I identified with white culture and therefore was much more readily accepted by it. But I couldn’t fully fit in with white culture because my skin color would not allow it. The pain of not being able to figure out where I fit in is not something I wanted to dwell on or process through, so I buried it until I couldn’t any longer and I had to face it at FUI.

One of the topics in our urban ministry class happened to be on racial reconciliation. Disconnected from all the things that I had swept under a rug and neglected to deal with, I entered the class thinking I was already well on my way to being a reconciler and that my issues with my ethnic identity were long since over. As our speaker began to talk about her own journey in discovering her ethnic identity, I was reminded of my own journey and all the pain that it encompassed. I had to allow myself to feel the weight of being the “model minority” a false identity that I had partly adopted on my own and that had been partly been forced on me. I felt like it was my duty to dispel any negative stereotypes associated with being black and to maintain the idea that I was a “good kind of black person,” something I had been “affirmed” in time and time again. Along with that, I had to accept that I had internalized the notion that African Americans were created to be not as intelligent as other races, and then realize that I desperately needed to let that go. I also allowed myself to feel the heartache of having my achievements written off to affirmative action and to maintaining a diversity quota. As plain as day, I could see all of these false things I had been carrying on to that were perpetuating racism and doing nothing to help with the plan of reconciliation that God called for. By being numb to and passively accepting these fallacies, I was actually undermining reconciliation. This made me angry at the systems in place in our society and culture that made these ideas hard to escape, but more so, I was angry with myself for being so blind to my own faults. I felt like my journey had never really begun and that I was starting from square one; I felt so lost.

I suddenly felt a strong desire to learn about African American culture and history. In InterVarsity in my first year of college, God had already begun to help me find my identity in Him and show me that I was a child of His kingdom first and foremost. Now, God was telling me that my next step to reconciliation was in reconciling myself to my own culture. He was opening the door to show me the beauty in being African American. God made us all different and that beauty and the gifts in our differences are of God. It’s the oppression and racism and hate associated with it that is not of God.

I’m beginning to see that God created me with these experiences on purpose, not just the ones associated with my race but all of them.  He is the Master Creator, after all.

Recently, I have found much comfort in Psalm 139:13-14: For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

I want to know that full well. Armed with a clearer view of myself, and the truth given to me through Jesus Christ, I can now continue on this journey living out my life being a reconciler for the Kingdom of God.”

by Lissah Johnson, a second year at UC Santa Barbara.